i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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