quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
