i permit you to call me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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