I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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