I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
