Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
