I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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