i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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