my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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