If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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