At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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