i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
