I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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