Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
