apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
