She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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