Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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