so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
