What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
