I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
