I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
