My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
