Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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