I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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