do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
