Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
