oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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