I am spending my child support on dildos
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
