its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
