I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
