My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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