If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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