if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
