If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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