anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
