I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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