I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just tell him i said nine months
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
