You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
