Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
