Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
