This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
