wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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