I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
