I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
