They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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