Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
