Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
