So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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