in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
