So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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