I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
