I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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