3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
