she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
