Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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