I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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